I organized all of my classes to be only 15 minutes apart. How did I ever think I could have done this before the University went online? What was I thinking? Was I half-asleep while signing up for classes??
The only reprieve I have is the one day a week with no classes, where I can do all of my homework I inevitably fall behind on throughout the week. But it's all worth it! Because a new opportunity has reared its head. And it took that new opportunity for me to realize that I definitely, totally, need a job haha. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post but I lost my job due to the quarantine orders. This is the first time I've been unemployed since... 2012, I think? Doesn't sound like a long time but I graduated in 2011. With a job. So this is definitely odd for me.
But I've been scouted to join a company in Tokyo, Japan and am excited by the prospect, but wary that this employment will limit my ability to focus on PETER. Because I need two things, listed below, I've got to make a decision that allows for both of them, even if it wasn't what I originally had in mind.
1. Enough time to develop my own company
2. Enough money to survive comfortably in the area I'm working
The first of these two things can be done now, in the quarantine period. I plan to wake up early and work on PETER, but honestly I sleep in way more often than I commit to this. The second thing can be accomplished by taking time every day to apply to jobs whose pay meets that requirement. Thankfully the shelter-in-place order has freed up a lot of time for me to work on these things, which is ironic because it also cost me my job. And the thing I'm focusing on now is how to secure a future where I can still work on PETER while supporting myself.
As a kind of odd side note I'm really... excited by the quarantine. I'm horrified by the death, scared of the prospect of dying too, but that adds to the excitement, you know? Not much happens in day-to-day life, especially since I've lived a very stable once since going to university. The uncertainty of food, the fear of exposure to night winds, the quiet desperation of looking at something you need but can't afford; these things faded from my life over the last two years of school and blessings. I've begun to leave the bus without thinking and walk without looking around (except at night, of course). The strike brought a spark of fear back into me, but it was something I had to make an effort to pay attention to, something I had to decide to care about and take action for. Work stressed me, like all jobs do, but the stress of a job is more steady and dreadful then the sudden jolt of terror at the possibility of death. Work stress is the fear of losing something you need, of starvation or homelessness, or even just the humiliation of being fired. Even now I'm scared of my bosses, but again, that's different than the entire city going quiet and nervous while the only thing people can focus on is the same advice and updates on an invisible threat. I'm staying home and I'm staying safe but I'm also keenly aware that what I'm experiencing now, what we're all experiencing, is new (for those living today) and real and terrible.
I think the only word to describe what I'm feeling is lachesism, which is defined below. Which may be a bit sick, but it's a condition brought on by mundane routine slowly smoothing out any bumps or sudden drops in life. It's enough to make me forget why I wanted to live peacefully in the first place.
lachesism - From The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows
n.the desire to be struck by disaster—to survive a plane crash, to lose everything in a fire, to plunge over a waterfall—which would put a kink in the smooth arc of your life, and forge it into something hardened and flexible and sharp, not just a stiff prefabricated beam that barely covers the gap between one end of your life and the other.